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Saturday, November 30, 2002
The most bullshit phrase ever.
When the old man is dying, he says, "Johnny, let me tell you this... *cough, cough*... if I could go back, and do it all again, *sigh* I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't change a thing."
That's fuckin' bullshit. There's no way your life was that good.
If it was me, I'd change at least 75% of it. At least. That seems kinda sad though, when you think that I'm only 19.
10:35 AM
Sunday, November 24, 2002
Weekend.
Friday night was typical. I worked til 8 and hadn't had a night's sleep in two days. I was ready to party. Nate and I just went over to Whittier to hang out, and Tab and I ended up looking all night for this other party that Kevin and 600 other people went to.
At Whittier, we played some caps, which I still prefer to beer die. Beer die is the athletic drinker's beer game. Don't get me wrong; I'm as athletic as the next guy. My dad played for the Steelers so it's in the blood. The problem is that beer die requires way too much concentration. Games can go on forever, and you gotta be able to pay attention the whole time, as well as use lightning quick reflexes (reflexes that I naturally was blessed with) to catch the die before it hits the floor.
Caps, on the other hand, is more my kind of game. All you do is sit against a wall and throw caps in a cup. Pretty simple. It's so much more relaxed and easy going. You can talk while you're doing it, and you can space off when it's not your turn, if that's your thing. Plus, I'm much better at caps than I am at beer die, for some strange reason. Anyway, I played probably the best, and certainly most exciting, game of caps in my life.
The series was tied at 1-1, and Tab and I found ourselves in a hole 6-2 to Nate and Ann. We play to 7, so we were on the verge of being defeated. I turned to Tab and I said, "OK, time for a new strategy. Let's make points." "Good idea." replied Tab. I went on to hit 5 straight shots, and rimmed out on my 6th. This put us up at 7-6, and you must win by two. On my 7th shot, it hit the rim and as it was bouncing off the rim, Nate made a comment like, "Yeah, sink it. I dare you." Right after he said 'I dare you' the cap bounced from the floor and back into the cup. Fuckin' amazing. Ann missed the cancel, and we were victorious. Lots of fun.
The party that Tab and I finally found was on 5th and F, not 9th and F as Kevin had incorrectly stated. Man, it was nuts. Biggest party I'd ever seen, and by the time we got there people were clearing out. For blocks around, cars lined the streets. People were walking back and forth to the party and their cars, it looked like a downtown shopping area. There were easily a hundred people outside the house, with an extra fifty or so on the front porch. People were just pouring out of the house, it was insane.
Saturday was last night.
Thanks to Bono and Ashley Judd for paying for our keg! I scored 4 tickets to Bono/Judd's lecture here at UNL, and sold them for 20 bucks a piece. I could have gotten more, in retrospect, but as they were free I don't really care.
Pretty cool party, anyway. I'm too lazy to describe it. Colette came. I think I'll tell that story tomorrow.
2:02 PM
Monday, November 18, 2002
Whoa. This guy just up and messaged me on AIM. I have no idea who they are.
xCalmAsHinduCows: hey you fucking queer
xCalmAsHinduCows: what's wrong are you too busy getting it up the ass?
Deiter76: I'm never too busy for you.
xCalmAsHinduCows: oh so you are gay
xCalmAsHinduCows: is that you in your buddy icon
Deiter76: Don't jump to any conclusions just yet, Harold.
Deiter76: That's actually my nephew Carter.
xCalmAsHinduCows: who the fuck is harold.
Deiter76: I kinda look like him, though. My family always says that anyway!
Deiter76: Harold who?
xCalmAsHinduCows: you called me harold dumb ass
xCalmAsHinduCows: well anyways, whoever has been on this name is a fucking asshole,
xCalmAsHinduCows: don't fuck with me or my friends
xCalmAsHinduCows signed off at 12:56:01 PM.
Heh.
10:57 AM
Sunday, November 17, 2002
Whoa. Tonight was fun.
Yeah, tonight was fun.
I worked from 4-7 (yeah, I know: tough shift. I already complained about it prior to this post). After work I came home and did nothing for two hours. I made some phone calls; found out what was going on. I ended up at Whittier because Shannon said that they had a new Trivial Pursuit game, and everyone was going to play that. Ann and Shannon didn't really want to do that though, so she told me they planned to go elsewhere.
Tab and I decided to roll with the two girls, and we went to this party on 48th and Adams. It took us forever to get there, but it was well worth it. We showed up, and right away Tab and I discovered that this was definitely not our type of party. Meatheads upon meatheads, and damn were they stupid. It's a great thing when you and your friend can bullshit with a guy about absolutely nothing, but at the same time you can crack jokes that insult the guy('s) intelligence without him knowing it.
So we did that for a while, and then decided to go into this back room where people were playing some form of game on a table, and we decided we'd be assholes about everything. We pulled up some chairs, and asked about the game. First thing I heard is, "Hey man, what's up with your hair?" I was like, "What?" He's like, "Your hair. What's up with it?" I decided to fuck with him.
"It's a political statement." I said. He's like, "What kind of statement is that?" I'm like, "Well, are you politically minded?" He's like, "No, not really." "Well," I say, "I'm a communist. I was going to do the whole thing red, but I decided not to because I didn't want my family to be mad at me on Thanksgiving."
At this point, most everyone who heard me stopped what they were doing and stared. They were all so close minded that they didn't know what to say; they were just like, "What?"
Then I started to spew some tired communist bullshit, and everyone got all worked up. I was actually arguing a strong case for communism, but it wasn't too hard considering the oposition. This one guy starts going, "Motherfucker, there are guys who are over in other countries risking their lives just so you can run your mouth!" I was like, "Look man, I'm not against the US! I'm pro US!" We argued for a long while, then I finally stated that I was technically NOT a communist, but in fact an idealist, in the sense that I believe that communism would work under better circumstances.
Things settled for a while, but I kept hinting at communist thoughts/actions. For example, we kept playing this game (it was called 'Landmine.' Once someone finished a beer, they half crushed it and placed it on the table. The player would spin a quarter, and if it hit a can, they had to drink so many drinks. Pretty lame.) and they kept skipping me. Finally, I stood up, and in a mock rage I declared, "What's with this game? Why do the rich keep getting to play and play, while the poor keep getting passed over? How long must this go on before things are fair? I'm sick of this fucking system!" Everyone was like, "Dude, what the fuck are you talking about? Where do you get off calling us rich?" It was pretty funny. I kept making comments to that effect all night.
Finally, this guy who was actually cool sat down at my request, after everyone had left, and started discussing stuff with me. This dude's name was Kurt, and he actually had seemed like he knew something about politics, unlike every other guy there. I discussed things with him, and I think I actually made a strong case for communism. Tab was laughing pretty hard, and Kurt was getting frustrated. I told these people my name was Karl, by the way, after Karl Marx, of course.
Then, at one point in the discussion, this fucking guy comes up, and pounds on the table. "What the fuck is wrong with you man?" he shouts at me. "You're making a lot of people really mad, motherfucker." he says, looking right at me. I try to play it off as the guy who is actually concerned with the ideals that I was preaching, but who also doesn't really want conflict. He doesn't give in, and finally says that we (Tab and I) have to "get the fuck out of my house right know."
I felt bad for Ann and Shannon, even though I'd told Tab half an hour earlier that we weren't leaving until we got thrown out. We got up, and started to leave. I leaned over the table and told Kurt that it was all a joke. He was cool, and the only open minded guy there, so he deserved to know that I was just fucking around. Tab and I called the guy (Joe) an asshole, and left the party.
Outside, we stood around a car, scratching circles in the frost on the trunk. This dude that had stood behind Joe the whole time came, and leaned on the car, saying it was his and he didn't want us fucking with it. We were like, "OK man, no problem." We stood there for a while, and then this cool guy that Ann knew named Matt came out, and started making jokes.
"Look out people! It's the communist with the inverted bowl cut!" Shit like that. He was pretty cool, and I think he knew it was all a joke all along. The meathead leaning on the car tried to shut him up, saying, "Hey, we don't want any smart asses here either, so shut the fuck up."
"Geez," I said, "it looks like this is the fuckin' No Fun party."
"Oh yeah?" He got up in my face. "Well then you can GET THE FUCK OUT." He said, all scary like. I was like, "OK, sure dude. Later." and I walked about four feet away from him, to this big pile of brush and shit in their driveway. "Whoa," I said, "this is a cool pile of sticks!"
"Yeah? Why don't you FUCK IT then?" He screamed, about to come after me. I really wasn't too scared of any of these guys; they weren't too intimidating. At this point Ann came out and said something, after which the same psycho guy told her to "shut the fuck up." This wasn't cool, and I went up to the guy and told him that while he could yell at me all he wanted, he couldn't say that shit to her since she didn't have anything to do with it. He kinda acted like he was going to do something, but just waited for Joe to come out.
Joe came out, and he waited til we were practically off his driveway, before he started coming at me. He was like, "Oh motherfucker! Run bitch! Get the fuck out of here motherfucker!" It was lame. He waited til we were already leaving before he started coming at us, and by then we were gone and his friends were all doing the "I'm holding you back, tough guy" routine.
Anyway, that shit was pretty fuckin' hilarious.
2:39 AM
Saturday, November 16, 2002
People are fucking stupid.
I work for the Parking and Transit Services here at the university, and my job mainly consists of attending parking lots for events like football and volleyball games. I take people's money, and give them tickets, etc. Because this job isn't very hard to do, I work with a lot of fuckin' morons. Stupid people who are also very friendly and nice; the worst kind. You have to humor them, laugh at their jokes, and talk about everything related to the uninteresting.
Tonight we were working the volleyball game, and I was in the lot closest to the arena. This is by far the busiest lot on campus, so there is no time for sitting around and spacing off like I would if it was a Saturday football game. This is not a bad thing, however. All the cars and business allow me the opportunity to 'forget' to give out tickets to a few cars. Tips, if you will. They count the money along with the tickets, and they don't count the number of cars in the lot, so I make a few dollars per hour more than my co-workers.
Anyway, people are fucking stupid, like I said. Most of them are like sheep; they'll do whatever anyone that seems to be in charge tells them to do. I like the people like this, because they're easy to work with. For the most part I'm very friendly and polite. I address men and women with 'Sir' and 'Ma'am.' Occasionally out of habit I'll call a woman 'Sir' or a guy 'Ma'am,' and it's always funny when that happens, but other than that I'm a pretty nice parking lot attendant.
Then there are the people who think that everyone is out to get them.
Frantic mother of three: "They told me to come over here!"
Rich asshole in SUV: "Can't I park here?? I parked here last week!"
65 year old catering service man: "How in the heck do you get to the Children's Museum??"
They get all paranoid, and think that it's a giant conspiracy between the parking lot attendants to screw them over and give them the run around. If they had any sense enough to look at their pass, it'd tell them exactly where they're supposed to park.
Stupid jerk: "Where am I supposed to park?"
Me: "17B Ma'am."
Stupid jerk: "Oh, but I parked here last time! Let me park here."
Me: "Look man, the only reason you parked her last time was because Sancho was running the lot, and Sancho is missing half his fuckin' head."
Stupid jerk: "I'm going to report you!"
Me: "Enjoy the game!"
Then the worst are the people who have been waiting in the backed up line of cars for over 5 minutes, even honking their horn here and there. They pull up all in a hurry, roll their window down, and get out their purse.
Dumb woman: "How much is it?"
Me: "3 dollars, like it says on the sign you've been looking at for the past 5 minutes."
Dumb woman: "Well I never!"
Me: "Look lady, I don't set the prices. I'm just doing my job."
Dumb woman: "Everywhere I go they want money from me!"
Me: "Shut the fuck up and gimme the three dollars before I smash your fuckin' head in. You're holding up the line."
Dumb woman: "Oh!"
Me: "Thanks. Enjoy the game!"
So that's my job. It's pretty hard work, and not everyone can do it. I guess that's why there are guys like me!
6:24 PM
Not much going on.
Went to see Mountain Goats/John Vanderslice tonight. Fucking terrific, really.
Afterwards watched Touch Of Evil at Derek's. Also fucking terrific. Sometimes I think Orson Welles was just a really smart man who managed to somehow go back in time, he's such a genius. Goodness he does look large in it. Him and Brando, I tell ya.
Today, out of boredom and PFMS: http://www.dragondata.com/~mich/forum/ ( I tried the link option, and it didn't work), I harrassed several girls from the hit website www.makeoutclub.com. There were some good conversations. They didn't last too long, mostly because I wasn't being the kind of person that you'd want to have a long conversation with, but I'm not too worried about it.
Deiter76: This one time, I ate a beetle, then I threw it up, and then I ate that.
vejeebrgr: gross
vejeebrgr: why for?
Deiter76: Why not?
vejeebrgr: okay. cool
vejeebrgr: who are you?
Deiter76: Shit, I'll eat any motherfuckin' thing.
vejeebrgr: woooooooo
vejeebrgr: i like to eat pizza and burritos
Deiter76: Yeah, from the looks of your picture you eat a lot of pizza and burritos.
vejeebrgr: why thank you
vejeebrgr: so, if you think i am fat, why did you message me?
Deiter76: I dig on fat bitches.
vejeebrgr: oh, that's nice
vejeebrgr: lots of fat bitches like ass holes
vejeebrgr: but not this one
vejeebrgr: buh bye
Deiter76: I'm not following...
vejeebrgr: riiiiiight
Deiter76: So... you like fat bitches assholes?
Deiter76:That's pretty sick, you know.
Deiter76: Hey do you like fire?
emotian: no
Deiter76: Not even just a little?
emotian: nope
Deiter76: Shit, I fucking love fire.
Deiter76: I burn all sorts of things.
Deiter76: Where do you live?
emotian: alaska
Deiter76: Holy shit, I bet there's lots of cool shit to burn up there.
Deiter76: Houses, trees, eskimos, snow.
Deiter76: YOU.
emotian: no thanks
Deiter76: I'd make it look like an accidental spontaneous human combustion.
Deiter76: But really, I'd burn your skin right off your bones.
emotian: wonderful, but i'm really not interested
Deiter76: I can't wait to burn you and your things.
emotian: ;-)
Deiter76: I'm going to jack off all over your smoldering corpse.
Deiter76: I'm going to put the fire out with my semen.
Previous message was not received by emotian because of error: User emotian is not available.
Deiter76: So, you're from Conneticut?
Rudiegrl19: yea
Deiter76: Wow, it's a small world.
Deiter76: I'm not from Connecticut, actually.
Deiter76: I am headed that way this Christmas though.
Rudiegrl19: oh
Deiter76: Kinda strange huh?
Rudiegrl19: not really
Deiter76: Well, I mean, what with you being from Connecticut and all.
Rudiegrl19: umm...i dont think so
Deiter76: I was just saying, maybe we could hook up while I'm there.
Rudiegrl19: i dont know you
Deiter76: I'm Carlton.
Deiter76: So, now that you know me, what do you think?
Rudiegrl19: uh i dont think so
Deiter76: You're a real stuck up bitch, you know that? I only wanted some fuckin' coffee, maybe some pie and a blowjob. But no, you gotta be all stuck up and shit.
Deiter76: I don't think I'd wanna eat pie with your bitch ass anyway.
Deiter76: Can I get your home number so I can give you a call when you're in town?
Previous message was not received by Rudiegrl19 because of error: User Rudiegrl19 is not available.
Deiter76: Hey look! It's Kibbe!
Auto response from heylookitskibbe: I'm in the library (which has wireless internet like me) working busily at my research paper.
HELP!!!!!
Leave me an encouraging word.
Deiter76: You fucking whore, I know you're there.
heylookitskibbe: who is this?
Deiter76: See, I told you.
heylookitskibbe: what in the world...?
Deiter76: Hey Kibbe.
heylookitskibbe: who is this?
Deiter76: Carlton.
heylookitskibbe: do i know you?
Deiter76: Awww shit, don't tell me you're gonna play me like that.
Deiter76: Aww hell no you ain't playin' me like that.
heylookitskibbe: youve picked a bad week to expect me to remember people
Deiter76: What the fuck do I care?
heylookitskibbe: remind me again why you IMd me if you dont care?
Deiter76: I mean why the fuck should I care if it's a bad week for you?
Deiter76: What, should I send you an e-card or something?
Deiter76: Gimme a fuckin' break, Christ.
heylookitskibbe: look i have no idea who you are
Deiter76: Maybe this will refresh your memory... "Yes! Put it in my ass! Oh fuck me like the cow I am! Fuck me! Oh sweet Jesus! You're my Daddy! You're my father! Oh fuck me harder Daddy!"
heylookitskibbe: you must have the wrong kibbe
heylookitskibbe: fucking asshole
Deiter76: You liked it.
Previous message was not received by heylookitskibbe because of error: User heylookitskibbe is not available.
Deiter76: People usually choose pictures that make themselves look good when they show them to other people online, right?
spyderfairy: yea, I guess.
Deiter76: Well if that's true, then just how fucking ugly are you in real life?
spyderfairy: really fucking ugly.
spyderfairy: a troll, even.
Deiter76: Shit, that's gotta suck.
Deiter76: For people that see you, I mean.
spyderfairy: damn straight.
Deiter76: Good thing I'll never be one of those people!
Yeah, I know. I'm an asshole and I'm going to hell. But admit it, you laughed. If you didn't, I probably don't want you reading this site. There's also an outside chance that I'm not very funny and my sense of humor sucks, but if that is indeed the case, then get the fuck off of my website, asshole.
1:53 AM
Tuesday, November 12, 2002
Yeah Dennis, I ate that fuckin' donut. Thanks; it was good.
Anyway, I decided what I want to be when I grow up.
Anna Nicole Smith.
If I were Anna, my life would be complete.Think about it: You have more money than you could possibly spend. You have your own TV show. And the best part? You're too stupid to know that people hate you. If I could be reincarnated, I'd definitely want to be reincarnated as a dumb hot chick. Too dumb to know how dumb I was. Then I wouldn't have all this self conscious bullshit thinking to do. If I was Anna, I'd be happy. Think she's not happy? She has to be! She's fat and happy and rich and can do anything. Plus she is so dumb she thinks she's a popular celebrity. How great would that be? Seriously, people rag on her all the time, but if you think about it, she's got the best life of all of us.
12:01 AM
Monday, November 11, 2002
You don't get a story tonight. Cry. Cry about it, you fuckin' babies. Just cry. I don't care.
10:34 PM
Sunday, November 10, 2002
Saturday I had to work at 6:30 in the morning. I had gone to bed around 3 or so Friday night, but it was OK because Ryan gave me a ride to work so that I didn't have to ride my bike. So work was boring, but it was OK since the game was at 12:30. Basically all I do at work is sit in a parking lot and tell people they can/can not park there. It's easy and stupid but I do get paid for it, and that's all that matters.
So I was working with this lady and her seven year old daughter. The girl was pretty cute, and I was messin' around with her most of the day. (Christ, get your minds out of the gutter, you sick fuckin' child molestors) I'm jumping rope with her and shit, just fuckin' with her toys. (No, by 'toys' I do not mean her breasts, you sick fucking asshole) It was more fun that just sitting there doing nothing, that's for sure.
Anyway, while I'm sitting there playing with these leaves with this little girl, her mom is sitting right next to us in their car. She calls up who I assume to be her ex on the phone. The window is down. She starts talking about stupid domestic shit, and I'm eavesdropping. It's nothing special. Then she starts getting upset, because the guy sounds like he's an asshole. She starts getting very excited, and talking loudly and angrily at this guy. The little girl and I can both hear it. It's like:
"Oh... What? You fucked her didn't you? I know you did... tell me what you did with her... Sick! That's nasty! You're disgusting. You disgust me... How can you be thinking about marrying her? You don't love this girl... she's just a piece of ass... etc."
It was fuckin' crazy. I'm sitting here with this little girl, hearing all this. I was just like, "Uh... lets... let's play catch... um." Finally the bitch rolled up her window, but only after talking about how she was on her period and it wasn't the right time for an argument. I got off work and went to the game. Nebraska rolled on them. It was fun still.
We come back from the game, and we hang out, just bullshitting. We'd decided that we were gonna have people over, but didn't know if it'd be a kegger or just byob. We finally decide to have a kegger at around 6 that night, and start calling people. It starts out slow, but pretty soon the whole clan is over, and it's pretty fun. McLaine comes over, and the place really gets going. We had some pretty intense chug and flip games going, but McLaine's team beat ours in the championship. Then we rolled over them in the rematch. I must have played 7 or 8 games last night. It was great. We make enough to get another keg, and we head off and pick it up. Old Milwaukee's Best. Excellent.
The party ends up being gigantic. Lots of people from Seward show up, kids I played football with and such. It's a lot of fun, but then the second keg runs out and it's too late to buy a third. People are still showing up, mostly with their own beer. The party keeps going, people are just fucking around and hanging out. Turns out that the bands Pomeroy, 8th Wave, and The JV Allstars show up, after their concert that night that Tucker and a few other people went to. I didn't even know they were here until they left and someone says, "That was Pomeroy." they all wrote their names on our walls downstairs, so that's cool.
Anyway, lots of fuckin' fun. Tonight I'm eating at Old Chicago with Derek, and that reminds me of this whole other thing that happened last night, but I'll write that maybe tommorow, because I have a feeling that tonight might make a good correlating story.
12:50 PM
What a fuckin' awesome weekend. Definitely gets my vote for weekend of the month.
For starters, my good friend Jake Tucker was back in town for the weekend. Jake lives in Cali now, as part of his whole Army thing. So I was hoping that I could find something cool, show him a good time. I didn't know of much going on, but I figured I would be able to throw something together, and anyway just hanging out with Jake was the main goal anyway.
So on Friday, Nob Hill invited us over for their party, someone's birthday. We had stolen their chairs a couple days before, and when they came by asking us for them, they offered to give us free beer in return for their chairs back. Also on Friday one of our friends' house was having a party, and it's usually a good time, so we planned on getting some free beer and heading that way.
So we go over there, just planning on being obnoxious and stupid like always. It's usually meatheads and idiots at their parties, and there's only a couple cool girls that live there anyway. They're not really my type of people, but the beer was free and it's usually fun to fuck around. Their tap was all fucked up, so I saved the party by donating my tap's services. There's a ton of people over; it's packed. We're just socializing, fuckin' around. Tucker and all my old high school friends come over, and we're bullshitting and getting drunk. One of them gets the bright idea that we should fuck around some more. So, we're looking through these boxes they got in their basement. I see something that I gotta take, an old Girl Talk board game. I stuff in my coat and head up the stairs. "Take this too dude." says someone, and stuffs this black dress in my coat. We make it out, and head back home to drop off the loot. We inspect the dress.
It's this slip dress or something, I don't really know. A dress. Black, the works. Anyway, I'm kinda drunk. Tucker and Ryan think that it would be a good idea for me to put the dress on. They talk me into it.
This dress is tight as shit. My ultra ripped upper body can hardly be contained by it. So anyway, it looks funny. I stuff the boobs, and go show them. They happen to find it funny. Then, we get the idea that I should wear it back to the party. I'm expecting to get my ass kicked by some of the homophobe meatheads at the party. Sadly, the cops had come while I was dressing up, so it's just the girls and one of them's boyfriend. They also find it funny, all except Jaime, the girl who owns the dress. I guess that wasn't too surprising. The boyfriend is creeped out like crazy. "Oh come on," I say, "haven't you ever done anything stupid when you were drunk?" "Not like that shit!" he replies. "You wanna?" I ask, seductively. He gets up and leaves.
I guess Jaime and the guy were really upset about it, so Ryan says that I have to go take it off and return it. They don't seem too upset, they laugh, and we decide to go back home. Jake and the rest of my old friends decide to go to some other party, and I head off with Kevin, Dennis, and Ian to go to the Monkey Cart, the house that's having the other party. We get there and it turns out the cops busted it and they took the third keg over to another house, but they don't know how to get there. We end up driving around for a while til we find it. Ian is driving, and we attempt to parallel park. After like 20 seconds of backing up and pulling forward, we realize that Ian is simply repeating the same turns, and the car isn't doing anything but go back and forth; we're not getting any closer to the curb. We start yelling at him since he doesn't seem to understand that you have to turn the wheel the opposite direction, and in his excitement he hits the car in front of us. We get the hell out of there, the cops follow us for a while, and we come home. That was Friday.
I'll put pictures of my sexy ass in the dress as soon as I get them done and scanned.
12:32 PM
Tuesday, November 05, 2002
Captain Alex.
This past summer, my twin brother Alex was back from Kansas City where he was living with my aunt and uncle. He wanted to see old friends and go to a cool party or something. It was a good friend of ours' birthday that night, and after that I knew of a couple other cool parties that were going on. He left for Lincoln for Ryan's party earlier than I did, and by the time I got there an hour or so later, he was already drunk. We hung out there for an hour or so, and then he came with me to another party at a friend of mine from Lincoln's house. It was 10:30 or so, give or take.
We get there, and there really isn't that many people there, as it's still kind of early. We go downstairs, and we're just sitting around this keg and talking, bullshitting and the like. Alex doesn't really know anybody, so he's kinda uncomfortable, not to mention drunk. He makes some chit chat, but hints and wanting to go back to Ryan's, since he hasn't seen those guys in a long time. He asks what time it is, and if he can use the phone. I was like, "It's 11 man. The phone is in the car. Here's the keys, just go use it in the car." He takes the keys, and leaves.
Time passes. In half an hour or so, I realize that he's not back yet. Then I realize that I gave him the keys to the car, and he's also smashed. I started to worry, and I asked Nate if he knew where he was. I procrastinated for a few minutes, then finally decided to go look for him. Luckily, I spotted the car, meaning he hadn't driven it somewhere in a drunken stupor. He was passed out in the front seat with a beer in one hand and the phone in the other. I'm like, "You OK?" and he's like, "Guh, meh. Yeah. Mugh." I laughed, and went back in.
I told the guys about it, and we laughed. A few beers later, we decided to go fuck with him. I got a marker, and we headed out. I open the door, and start drawing a nice Captain Morgan moustache on him. I give him the soul patch under his lip, and then start with a unibrow. He wakes up halfway through, and I stop, telling him I was just checking on him, and seeing if he was OK. He's like, "Yeaammcoo." We go back inside.
I decide around 2 that it's time to go home. I wake him up, move him over, and take off. He's fairly sobered up, but still slightly drunk. He sleeps the whole way home. We park, and I wake him up and head in. Like I suspected, my dad's up. He always has a hard time sleeping when we're at home and come back late. I realize Alex still has the sweet 'stache I drew, and I don't want my dad to see it until the morning, when my whole family can discover it when he wakes up for breakfast. All the lights are out, and everything's going good. He's being cool with my dad, sober and all, and I don't think my dad's too worried about anything. Then he opens the refridgerator to get some water or something, and the light illuminates his face. Shit, my dad sees.
Dad looks at me like, "What the fuck?" I just put a finger to my lips, smile, and shake my head. My dad starts to question Alex now, with implied suspicion. Alex picks up on the fact that my dad thinks he's drunk, especially when my dad says, "Where you drinking?" Alex has no idea that he has a goofy fucking moustache on his face. It's hilarious.
"Yeah dad, look at me! I'm all hopped up on goofballs! I'm super drunk dad! I've been drinking all night!" he says, sarcastically. My dad just stares at him like, 'You're the biggest fuckin' dumbass on the face of this Earth.' I just start laughing; I can't help it. My dad just says, "You'd better go to bed I think." "Yeah, since I'm so wasted!" is the reply.
I tell my dad what happened, and head downstairs for bed as well. I pass Alex' bathroom on the way, hearing water running. I stand outside and laugh and laugh. He curses at me, and I go to bed. All in all a pretty hilarious event.
10:32 PM
OK. Since I forgot to update, you whiners can have two stories. This is a good one.
9:50 PM
Soft Angie Tacos.
Yum, delicious.
OK. So as you might know, my roommates and I struggle with cleptomania. A lot of what is on our walls is stolen. Signs, name tags, stuff like that. One night a few months or so ago, we were getting some food at Amigos. A sudden urge to steal the 'Late Night Specials' stand up sign came over me, and I ended up walking out with it. It's a blue sign, slightly larger than an 8 X 11 sheet of paper. It's blue, and it has the nightly specials, like burritos and all that mexican shit that they sell there. On Tuesday is taco night, like two tacos for a dollar, or something along those lines.
One day a few weeks or a month later, who knows, Dennis says, "I don't think Kevin's noticed the sign." I'm like, "What sign?" He takes me into the kitchen and shows me the Amigos sign that's in one corner of the counter. It's been scanned, and instead of '2 tacos for 99 cents' for Tuesday, it says, '2 soft Angie tacos.' Angie, of course, being Kevin's sexy mother. I thought this was pretty funny, and hoped that one day Angie would see this and I'd get to see her reaction. It'd have to be at least as good as the time she told me that she was "really worried" about me after she saw the picture of some guy jerkin' off I drew along with a poem that I hung on Kevin's door.
Anyway, we forgot about Kevin not being aware, and days passed. Then this afternoon, Nate and I are playing Vice City when Kevin gets home.
"Yeah." he says, and just looks at us frustratedly. "Yeah, so in all my work on that big paper, I forgot that I was also supposed to bring in a table advertisement and discuss it (Kevin is an Ad major). I was like, 'Shit!' but then I remembered that we stole that Amigos sign, so I grabbed that and went to class. People thought it was funny, since it was obviously stolen, so I'm like, 'Yeah, this is good. I got a good one.' I'm talking about the ad, what it does, etc., and then somebody goes, 'What are Angie tacos?' It was my professor."
By this time, Nate and I have already figured out the rest of the story. We're dying. Kevin's standing there holding this sign, and continues to tell the story.
"So I get confused, and I'm like, 'I don't know.' and look at the sign. At first, I didn't get it. Then I realized that one of you fuckers had changed it, and that was pretty embarrasing. I just stood there, till Sara who's in my class yells, 'Hey, that's his mom's name!' Then the class erupts. I just stood there, nodding my head, cursing you cocksuckers under my breath. Then I threw the sign down and went to my desk."
We're still fuckin' dying. This is the best possible way that he could have noticed the sign. The sign itself isn't so funny as it is sort of clever, but the fact that he held it in front of his class when he didn't know it advertised two of his mom's soft, sweet, tacos is absolutely hilarious. I just wish I could have seen his face, it'd have been priceless. I'm pretty sure his mom will hear about it too, which makes it even better. Damn, that Angie Fuller is one piece of ass!
9:48 PM
Yes. I missed the story posting day yesterday. You shouldn't be surprised, if you know me at all. The real shocker is that for a month or so I've been going on a weekly schedule pretty much flawlessly, and I think that because of that I can miss a day if I want to. I'm a lazy bastard, dammit. I'm going to be lazy here and there. If you don't like it, then you can eat a dick.
9:28 PM
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